6 tips for healing the wound of worthlessness
When I was young, I believed the moon would follow me if I were gorgeous and that other people, men specifically, would bring magic into my life.
I had no idea how much excitement actually comes with knowing myself, loving myself, listening to my body, and hearing my soul. I can’t believe how detached I was from my inner life back then. I had no idea how disconnected I was… but looking back now, I know that my compulsive habits were clues that showed me my imbalance, a superficiality of myself.
I’m not blaming myself. I know my story. I patched my story. I know I couldn’t have done better, and now I have full compassion for myself at that time.
I’m beyond happy with what is unfolding in me, and it’s all completely unexpected. I could never have imagined how present I feel and how much support I can give myself, from myself to myself. It feels good. I swear, I never thought anything like this was even remotely possible. But I also know I’ve experimented a lot to make this happen. It’s worth it. Life is complex, raw, and rough, but it is also beautiful, and it’s my invocation that many, many could feel these beauties inside.
Regardless of your accomplishments, credentials, positions, roles, and processed trauma? When, as a child, you grew up in an environment where you felt unsafe, unprotected, never quite sure when the subsequent scolding or hit was coming... or, similarly, as an adult, you spent way too much time with dishonest people?
Time and again, you have been led away from listening to your intuition by difficult circumstances over which you’ve been entirely powerless. Then, because of that, you made decisions that have progressively led you further and further into situations where you've felt unseen, disregarded, and taken advantage of - all over again. Which hurts. It hurts a lot. And it erodes self-trust, slowly but surely.
Have you ever wondered why some people seem so confident and clear? How do they say, "No, I'm not doing that," or "I'm ending this conversation." And they don't seem to feel guilty afterward? How come some people move forward, make changes, and maintain positive, realistic perspectives that nurture, uphold, and sustain, even in the most challenging circumstances? How is it possible to face the unpredictable with faith? And move on, sometimes against all bets?
"Know thyself" is a multi-faceted phenomenon.
Experience shows, and practice teaches, that knowing ourselves is the non-negotiable.
When you grew up in a family where you heard weekly or daily how stupid you were and what a lazy bitch you were, or no one took time to sit with you, take your hand, stroke your hair with no expectations, look you into the eyes in honest, heartfelt need, wanting to get to know how you are, how you are doing, who you are, after all? How do you think and feel, what do you dream of, and desire, what do you reject, what do you value and strive for, and so on…?
Then there's a good chance that what you know about yourself is profoundly negative and seriously detrimental. It's probably a bunch of:
I can't make it
I'll never make it
I don't know if I'm good at it
I expect the worst, or at least nasty, things to happen
I'm not capable of doing that
If they knew me better, they'd see what a mistake I'm
Something is so fucking wrong with me
This all is pain. And it's a vast emptiness inside yourself where there's fear instead of deep love and self-appreciation.
Sadly, there is no secret quick medicine to heal all this. There is absolutely no cure that comes in one drop, one package, one pill, one retreat, one healer, one ritual, and one experience. It always takes years and years of inner work to overgrow, transcend, and transmute the beliefs in our cells, shouting and whispering about...
... we are.
I call this bouquet of self-negative beliefs a wound of worthlessness. And as with any internal system, it’s as valid as we buy into it. The truth is, we are not what our wound of worthlessness is telling. We are not. And we need to learn to refuse and resist believing those lies, which is often easier said than done and takes time. Don’t believe people who are telling you anything else. They are buried under their incompetence, lack of knowledge, sheer ignorance, or, the worst, lying in your face.
Many women who grew up in toxic patriarchal environments, with not-self-aware fathers and not-self-aware mothers, married to the codes of the Victims instead of each other, are plagued by this permeating feeling of worthlessness.
Instead of making bold career moves, they stay in miserable positions. Instead of having multiple orgasms, they lapse into sexual anorexia. Instead of expecting the best, they worry, 4:22 a.m., how the world will fucking end. Instead of making their dream come true, they sob for years after all the tears have completely dried as they even can't remember anymore what the original hurt actually was.
They don't feel supported, as they don’t have a support system within their Psyche, therefore often not in their life...
Now, what helps?
The answer is...?
Plenty. Fucking plenty!
Here are listed the absolute non-negotiables.
You can question, test, and try to bypass them all, as my clients or I have, but each time you do that, you will probably find yourself in some detrimental state, so I'm just saying it's probably not worth it.
1. Quit poisoning your body with the following shit:
exhaustive workouts, or no moving at all,
starving or feeding it with lifeless food
Connect joyfully with your body instead - all the tissues, energy field, and the Earth.
2. Explore your emotional, mental, relational, and behavioral patterns #psychotherapy
3. Nourish your connection to the Divine - eg. connect with your Soul
4. Educate yourself AF
5. Find warm people who get you
6. Become a person of integrity and depth who understands herself and can get others too
It's not an easy ride, but eventually, you will get there.
It's worth it.
** Tina Bozic is a psychologist and psychotherapist. In her private practice, she helps women heal deep soul wounds to build lives on their own sacred terms. Tina specializes in energy work in psychotherapy tailored to heal the painful effects of trauma in relationships.