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Our Dismissive Attitudes Toward Men



Listening to Tori Amos live always gives me chills.


It also gives me thoughts.


Tori herself is a survivor of sexual assault.


It happened in her early twenties, and it was then, back in the 90s, that she became a supporter and first spokesperson of RAINN, a US anti-sexual violence organization.


Headphones on, I'm pondering "precious things".


Precious Things is all about particular things in intimate relationships with men.


Related to those particular things, I'm thinking about an energetic void, emptiness, that so many women carry within.


Traditionally, this emptiness seems to be a lack of love, and it is often linked with the mother wound, with being either motherless, unmothered, or under-mothered.


But this is not the only background of this emptiness...


Then, I also can't help but notice how different life becomes when no more obsession with that kind of "love" exists in a woman's life.


No starving for love.


No striving for inaccessible lovers.


Life gets quiet and gratifying when the intensity of the battles for attention is gone, and there are no more wars and famines.


At a certain point in a woman's life, her inner fulfillment can simply become the criterion of her life.

Experience shows that without this natural inner fullness, with, instead, "emptiness" present, the woman has never experienced the actual pleasure and joy of simply being.


The absence of our true soulful self incarnated makes a difficult life full of disappointments, high expectations, illusions, fantasies, and obsessions.

It's an epidemic, actually.


And it's disappointing and unsatisfying.


It is reflected through the collective overuse of fantasy, reflected in unrealistic expectations toward others and unreal expectations toward themselves, especially our bodies.


Fantasy immersions are extremely important. But there is always a shadow to a gift. Fantasy is rooted "in the head," which makes it split off from the body, generating the illusion of possible fulfillment that, if we are not careful, like a lousy lover, never truly loves. And it makes us freeze to death because we've tried to keep ourselves warm with a box of matches.

Women's emptiness is happily growing in collab with these fantasies. It is shown in an upfront, covert, or sophisticatedly dismissive attitude toward men.


We can speak of hatred or rejection of men.


Women's hatred or rejection of men may have its roots in bad experiences with the most toxic representatives of men.


I'm pretty sure each woman has legitimate reasons for hostility toward men, rejecting them, and feeling the need to strip them of their value.


I hypothesize that every woman who has ever defied men and love-hated them must have had the experience of being a victim in their blood once upon a time. Because I don't think treating anyone poorly is natural or innate to us; I just don't believe that.


Working with women, I observe how secret, refined, dismissive attitude toward men and masculinity is part of why a woman remains more or less unfulfilled in her own life or creativity.


This is a medicine that many women don't want to swallow down. It's bitter. Still, it is a medicine.

Men, and the masculine that they embody to a different degree than women do, have their place in the natural order of things.


That's a simple, observable, natural fact of life.


Our relationship with masculinity is tightly kitten in our deep creative processes.


An unhealed relationship regarding masculinity often brings a certain impossibility or a struggle to create meaningfully.


It keeps women stuck and wobbling in emotional ambivalence, fueling inner and outer conflicts.


As long as men are litteraly or symbolically a source of fear for us, women, it's impossible to feel deeply valued and thus profoundly secure.

Fear is a domain of shadow, and the victim archetype is one of the shadow archetypes.


Fearful of men, survivors, we were all victims once.


But at some point, there must appear a turning point in our self-awareness, in an evolution of our consciousness.


Somewhere, it must become clear that our emptiness energetically and practically belongs to us - not them.


Like it or not, we are response-able... and therefore, responsible for it.


In the dark parts of our healing journey, traveling the murky undergrounds, the wasted land of the dead, each of us must and should and can mourn the injustices and pain, heal the wounds, and bury the lost dreams.


Because, as Clarissa Pinkola Estes says in her teachings, this is how we not only survive but thrive.


We are not here to merely survive, but thrive.

I guess the most important thing about this whole evolution of female consciousness is that this evolution from wounded girl to sovereign woman is the most helpful factor to ensure that we're never again, under any circumstances or in any way, become victims.

Standing firmly on our grounds, in a place of clear awareness about who we are, where we belong, and what we reject?


Being willing and able to fulfill ourselves energetically in the first place?

Only then do our "psychological symptoms" disappear for real.


Because we no longer feel the need to please others, we no longer panic at the thought of losing love, and consequently, we no longer feel the need to meet the needs of others beyond our integrity.

The game changes when we take responsibility for our emptiness and then stop feeding ourselves on the shadow fantasy of intimacy, success, money, beauty, youth etc.


When we turn inward and engage with the "invisible," revolution happens.


We start meeting ourselves with another level of warmth, compassion, and radical love, learning to witness ourselves and fulfill ourselves.


This is how we eventually fully live fulfilled lives.


We are not surviving anymore, but we are thriving instead.


We feel how precious we are; no one on this planet or in this universe could take away our Precious Things.


I find my ultimate way into this level of womanhood and psychological transformation through sacred womb work and teachings.


It's absolute magic.


Ps. Subscribe to my newsletter here, and if you can work with me, you'll get your invitation.


--


Tina Božič

Psychotherapist




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