single and desperate, married and frustrated
Once upon a time, there was a nice woman. Age 27. Good education, a decent job, a cute little flat - rented, a strong sisterhood. She was meditating, jogging, volunteering. She was partying the weekends away, and studying even more. From all the things she had, there was something she couldn't. Whatever she did - or not, she couldn't meet a man. A good guy. An empathic, loving, and devoted masculine Soul that would be crazy in love with her "till the end of time, till the world stops turning." Whatever she did - or not, she kept staying single. Single in autumn, over the winter, in the spring, again and again. She was sick and tired of all that. She was also not willing nor able to dismiss her deep-seated desire.
“Allow yourself to want what you really want. The desire itself is a prayer.”
- Marianne Williamson
As you know, we form our human personality hugely according to our environments. We introject our role models, and then we start to identify with them. Our mother and father, siblings, extended family and all the unconscious ancestral patterns that are passing through them, peer groups... all included here.
While growing up, we are unwillingly, unknowingly downloading the way our mom and dad had experienced and over and over again created their realities. If we're lucky, and we've been born to self-aware parents that honour our individuality, then we are year by year progressively taking in patterns that resonates with our Soul, and leaving out the rest.
But if we've not been so lucky, before our self-awareness starts to grow, we are already re-creating our maternal and paternal realities which run as a complex, multilayered, unconscious program inside of us.
As adults - much as the young lady, age 27 - we of course often don't get what we deeply seek. Even though we honestly desire "it", on a Soul level, and there are no apparent objections agains "it", we simply cannot get there.
It's not that we are a bad person.
Or emotionally immature.
Or incapable of having a partner.
We are divine beings with confused minds, not aligned with who we really are and therefore not able to manifest the reality we deeply desire. Simply put, we're living in a truth that is originally not ours. It doesn't fit our True Self - our Divine Essence, our Soul. We are re-creating a world that is built on ancestral or societal beliefs, often loaded with lots of trauma. And as much as they don't resonate with who we are, they all strongly influence our perception. Perception is a cornerstone of our reality-building. And with this kind of perception, we keep unconsciously re-creating reality that is leaving our Soul out.
To build our worlds, where specific needs and desires (like having a romantic relationship), are acknowledged and given? We need to make new choices, new decisions and align what we know with our actions. We need to live in integrity. But before all this, we first need to understand that:
The safest way not to get what we soulfully desire is to judge it.
Judgment is the polarity of acceptance.
To judge means to put the value that is positive or negative. Placing a value on something is stepping into polarising. When we polarise, we exclude significant parts of reality. When judging, we fragment the energy field, or we keep it fragmented. We sink into fear because only fear can separate, and it does, worldwide - black or white, good or bad, pro and contra, us and them...
To accept, we need to stop judging.
To accept means we naturally step into receiving mode and instead of fragmenting, we start building space that can hold our desires and the manifestation of them.
Think for a moment. What is it that you want? What is it that you truly need or desire? And what is it that seems so unattainable that frustrates you, makes you unhappy, even miserable?
Then, contemplate this:
a. What do you judge in the context of your unmeet desire?
b. How your mother and father ruled regarding your pain-point?
After deep reflection and contemplation, you will need to go straight into all those judgments and take the oxygen away, starve them, exhaust them with loving them wildly.
A strategy is, you need to accept your judgments.
You need to start loving your judgments, and understanding them, and saying loud and proud: "I completely understand you. I love and accept you, my judgment of..."
What you judge, is where your fear resides and on the edges of that fear, different life waits for you.
Take a look into your judgments, since looking into judgments is actually an act of love, of radically accepting yourself, and therefore others. Looking into the void and abyss of your judgments is a brave act of free-thinking mind that dares to fuck off anything but pure love.
Every-freaking-time we don't have what we need or desire?
On the deep soul level, we are unconsciously rejecting it.
On a mental level, we are secretly judging it.
On an emotional level, we are merely ashamed for having those precise needs and desires.
I know this also because I've experienced it by myself, multiple times. That young lady, age 27? It was me. I can still remember the day vividly that a massive level of judgments that I was holding regarding "men," fell off. After that it was only a question of time that we met with Mr. Handsome.
I think it took a month or so.
We've been together for fifteen years now. In all these years, there were layers upon layers of judgments I've need to give up, and often this hasn't been the most straightforward job. However, I love him now much more than I loved him then. I guess this says it all.
If you are notoriously single, as I used to be for few years in my twenties, or if you're in a relationship that you feel frustrated with, there are for sure different aspects to it. Just one of them could be connected to your judgments.
I'm inviting you to take a brave look into all the possible ugly ways you are approaching your desires. You might find there is a profound lack of self-love regarding what you desire. You might find mother's or father's voices or some hurtful experiences, even trauma, that set you on the trajectory of a movie "Love: Access Denied". You too can transform your inner reality so the outer reality will energetically resonate to what you deeply desire. And I promise you, it will also happen the other way around. In words of Rumi:
What you seek, it seeks you.
Isn't this beautiful? Just think about it for a moment...
Never-ever give up desiring.
Your desires are your Soul's messengers.
The love you seek, it seeks you.
In a Nutshell
Judgment is the polarity of acceptance. To accept, we need to stop judging. In case of our deep Soul desires, to dissolve judgments and accept them means we naturally step into receiving mode. So instead of fragmenting energetic space, we start building energetic-psychic space that can hold our desires and can handle a manifestation of them.
** Tina Bozic is a straight-edge lady in her 40's; a psychotherapist, psychologist, and energy worker. With her husband, their daughters and Bowie the cat she is currently living in Slovenia, serving clients worldwide. She's helping women to get radically empowered, radically loved. You too can subscribe to her e-newsletters by clicking right here.