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Life Ordinary

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5 Things Good Psychotherapists Never Do

The right timing is everything, and meeting the right professional at the right time can be a lifesaver. We've all been a client of someone - either a GP, dentist, coach, healer, astrologer, doctor, or massage therapist? Have you ever been a radiant client? Did you get what you needed?

Let's start like this. Maybe you know a lot of people in therapy. Or perhaps you only know a few, or perhaps you don't know anyone. You've heard some things about therapy, or you've had some experiences yourself! If you're considering therapy, you've probably wondered what's supposed to happen in psychotherapy. And I think the honest answer, covering everything and nothing at the same time, is: it depends.

It depends on:

  • what problem we go into therapy with,

  • what we want from treatment at the conscious level,

  • what we need from treatment at the unconscious level,

  • and our therapist's approach, attitude and personality

Psychotherapy is work, it isn't a wellness treatment, even though we often wish it were. To do the work in psychotherapy, we need to have grit, dedication and commitment, especially when things get complicated, and that happens almost inevitably. Moreover, no one engages in psychotherapy unless under emotional and mental pressure. We, humans, move when we have to, otherwise, we conserve energy. In terms of personal growth, we often move only in response to something difficult - loss, grief, anger, panic.

The therapy room is designed to transform "negativity." Sometimes people think that their spouse, child, best friend, astrologer, business coach, human design consultant, etc., will help them slay their private dragons. That's not their job. There's a big difference between what they do and psychotherapy. Deep inner work, which is psychotherapy at its best, isn't the same as valuable advice from someone else. The advice can even be helpful, but if it doesn't fit you vibrationally and you can't take it and implement it into your life, it just doesn't work.

Depth psychology-based psychotherapy is holistic healing, and true healing is about the expansion of consciousness through the transformation of negativity; this is always a process and always will be. It's not only about learning something more or something new about yourself. It's work.

In depth psychotherapy, people learn how to free themselves from dense, complicated, constricted energies, and integrate their polarities on a completely new, soulful level.

We move toward a lighter, brighter, more expansive state of consciousness.

In psychotherapy, we travel energetically from the fearful spaces of not-self to the places where our divine essence, our truth, is available to feel and live.

Our authenticity, our truth, comes on demand; it happens on the journey through darkness, bitterness, denial, loss, and contempt. Bypassing the shadow doesn't work, even though we all very optimistically try to do it all the time. Experience shows every time we meet our dragons, an expansion of consciousness happens. Every time we shed blood, symbolically, or a tear or a flood of tears we free ourselves a little more.

Giving up more and more of the pressure to live up to our own and others' idealized standards, we begin to feel that love and joy are unlimited and constantly growing. Eventually, we start to sense that no matter how life gets hard, we can deal with it. With help of good psychotherapy, sooner or later, we realize that we are ok as we are. We don't have to pretend. We're loving and lovable. We can ask for more. We can reach out and get what we need. We can compete. We can dare to be the best. We're not afraid of being ordinary and imperfect because we know that we're beautiful in our individuality - and so are others.

We begin to draw life from our deep organic truth that emanates from our body. We can conceive of ourselves and life as a game, an experiment, and an experience. Life then requires increasingly less effort and is much more enjoyable. We attain a sacred, loving detachment from ourselves, from others, and from the world, while at the same time being connected to and loving the truth that we are.

We start to live out of your imagination, not our her/history.

I love my work. Helping women get empowered, pushing the boundaries of traditional psychotherapy, merging it with energy, psychology, and spiritual work is skill, art, and science. There's always challenge, always growth, never perfection, and certainly no shortcuts.

I've experienced and witnessed many good things in over 25 years of study, work, and training. Years of traumatic fears and anxieties turned into strength and confidence. Quitting self-destructive behaviors, like self-harm. No more fear of flying or going to the dentist.

No more binge eating. Getting in front of the public to speak again. Ending a relationship with a narcissistic partner. Writing the book. Coming to peace with multiple sclerosis. Come to terms with grief after hard losses.

Most of the work is about turning despair into purpose, turning self-hatred into radiant love - genuine soul alchemy.

When a client grows, everything shines, I think, and everything feels so good then. Of course, I believe in positive change, love, and new possibilities. Life is full of options, or at least it can be. But then, we all know this, it sucks too. There's light, and yet there's darkness, and that's just the way it is.

In all the years I've been learning, studying, teaching, and practicing, I've encountered not only good things but also bad things - as a client, as a student, as a colleague. I've seen or heard of situations that shouldn't occur in the world of therapy. Words have been said in therapy settings that no one can take back. Promising interventions, lousy timing. Ignorance and carelessness. And some severe boundary issues. Even re-traumatisation. Emotional blindness. Ugly stuff.

It's human to turn away and try to not even think about all this. But when something goes wrong and affects people deeply, it should never be forgotten. Misconduct and abuse can be forgiven and transformed, but it should be never forgotten. It is the historical memory that prevents horror from happening all over again.

The beauty of the human psyche and consciousness is that we can transform bitterness and ugliness into something helpful, just as we can transform fear into love. After all, this is what happens in a good healing experience and what all clients should experience in psychotherapy.

I've learned some basics about good psychotherapists from nightmarish experiences and many good ones. I first wrote this post in 2015, and now is 2022, and what I wrote about psychotherapists then still applies today. Psychotherapy is a profession, and like any other profession, there are many good therapists, some extremely bad ones, and some really good ones.

I think it's pretty important who you choose and who you let affect you. Because as Bruce Lipton explains in detail in his book Biology of Belief, it's the environment. So it pays to be more than aware and carefully weigh who becomes our spiritual teacher, boss, lover, trusted friend, doctor, coach, or.... psychotherapist. These are all people in roles that can have a great impact on our lives, and yes, it pays off to be choosy about who we choose.

So here are five essential attitudes that I've observed over the years in meeting various good psychotherapists and watching some not-so-professional ones. As you'll see, I'm not talking about their academic knowledge, academic degrees, or diverse training. I take that for granted. The fundamental quality of psychotherapists is about their relationships with clients or trainees. Here is my personal, 100% biased observation:

  1. Good therapists are human as humanly possible

  2. Good therapists really care

  3. Good therapists practice excellent boundaries

  4. Good therapists are taking good self-care

  5. Good therapists practices tax ethics

Now, let's roast these characteristics one by one!

1. Good therapists don't pretend they are perfect

There's no Santa Claus, and therapists are human beings. They don't come from heavenly realms or from extraterrestrials, even if some want to give this impression. In any case, they don't deserve to be idealized.

Excellent psychotherapists have probably experienced challenging life stories that have led them to heal their wounds and become very aware of how other people feel and what they do. In their personal lives, they feel, hear, see, think, laugh, cry, have sex, party, romp, use toilets and F-words. They're heterosexual, bi-sexual, homosexual, married, polyamorous. They experience emotional challenges, financial worries, family conflicts, divorces, rebellious children, no children, spiritual issues. They experience loss, craziness, health issues. They're mortal and they know it. All this makes them close, natural and direct. You can feel, see and smell their humanity. There's no posturing, no ignorance, no drama or arrogance, no suspicious delays in responding to your emails, no harsh words with or without apologies, no blaming, no shirking of responsibility or any such crap.

With a good psychotherapist, you've a certain sense of comfort, validation, openness, ease, and security.

And you feel that with them everything is stable, today and tomorrow, and that nothing really bad can happen when with them. Do you know why?

2. Good therapists don't faking they care for you

Technically, the depth of loving feelings has nothing to do with romantic attraction, but with the capacity to love, which is closely related to the capacity to mourn and grieve. Excellent therapists genuinely care about their patients, and their loving attitude is palpable. You can feel it in how they respond to you, how they show you respect and are actually humble. Caring doesn't mean they have to be vegans or carnivores. Or social activists and climate change activists. Or that they live in poverty, or have a seven-figure portfolio. Or that they never yell or get angry about certain things.

It means that they're sensitive to you, and that basically has nothing to do with you paying them for their time and their skills.

They'd be kind to you even if you were a stranger on a plane to Juneau, Alaska. You can tell by the way they talk, walk, and express themselves about people and the world in general that they're generally loving and caring. You can feel it, see it, smell it.

3. Good therapists don't flirt or have sex with their clients

Boundaries are synonymous with safety. Safety is critical for growth to take place.

Proper energetic boundaries aren't witchcraft. Appropriate boundaries are more necessary than ever in this vast, big world full of crazy possibilities. Having appropriate boundaries means staying in your power and connected to yourself and your spirit, and helps you communicate with others as realistically as possible. The projection of your images onto them is small, and you can perceive people and the world as they're as best you can.

Psychotherapists can accompany their clients into the depths of the psyche and vastness of the soul, which they themselves have experienced.

Good psychotherapists have done enough personal work. They'd been clients themselves and had cleared and healed many of their wounds and traumas from the past. That's why good psychotherapists can sometimes be very young. How they work has only partly to do with their life experiences. Mostly it's to do with how deeply they've suffered and how they've made their way out of it.

The best psychotherapists are probably the wounded healers. They've paid their dues and know what it means to grow through struggle and pain. Their extended personal inner work is the only possible protection from the most horrific and shadowy aspects of the psychotherapy profession - emotional, financial, and sexual abuse within the context of psychotherapy (yes, this is entirely wrong and unfortunately can happen).

Psychotherapeutic work is sacred. Clients should always be protected, and psychotherapists should always be aware of their position of power. They're responsible for boundaries on a different level than the client, and that's it.

No sex, no love affairs. No business, no double roles with clients unless enough time has passed since the end of the therapy process - and even then, only with evident intentions, and preferably not. You can like your therapist, and usually, you do, but it's fine with them if you don't want them to. They're not there to woo or seduce you. Nor do they need groupies or any other kind of adoration.

With a good psychotherapist, you feel like there are boundaries. They're friendly, but they say no, and you can count on that. They have a private life, and of course, they share their humanity with you. But sharing their lives without good therapeutic reason is never an issue in your therapy session.

When you're with them, you may find it hard to freely say what you're feeling and observing because that's what you're just relearning, but you know they'll see your efforts, invite you into deeper conversations, and always respect what you say. You'll always be encouraged to say what you're feeling and thinking. They can take your truth it because they feel safe themselves.

Good psychotherapists know how to start and close relationships. They're friendly, lively, yet humble. They make it possible for their clients to leave. So with excellent psychotherapist therapy is not a never-ending story.

4. Good therapists are not typically available 24/7

Do you a therapist who seems to be available 24/7? They don't take time off, vacation, ever? That's easy to see, as are other characteristics in this category of self-care: if you work in person, you can literally see and smell some of them, or if you work online, observe them. Of course, I'm not talking about Miss America here. Or about designer clothes. I'm talking about something much more fundamental. For example, the posture of psychotherapists, chronic fatigue, and cleanliness. What do they smell like? What does the therapy room smell like? Again, I assume that the necessary vitality of the therapist, their whole energetic state, is related to how they take care of their body, mind and spirit. Frankly speaking, psychotherapy is a demanding profession. Some people think that psychotherapy consists of sitting on a comfortable sofa and listening to one client after another while barely saying anything. This is a wild misconception that's its roots in the psychoanalytic couch from early 20th century Vienna.

Your psychotherapist cannot give time, attention, and love if their cup isn't complete. We all need time for ourselves, and in helping professions, this need is even greater. Times of quiet and retreat are essential for psychotherapists to rejuvenate, get in touch with themselves, and grow.

And as for self-care, it should be self-evident, but as experience shows, it must be mentioned quite clearly: no use of mind-altering substances or any addictions.

5. Good therapists don't avoid paying taxes

Money - taboo like sex and death, to be honest, is an essential aspect of psychotherapeutic work. So the relationship that a therapist has with money shows a deeper dynamic in him/her.

It depends on what part of the world you live in, but here in Europe we've a VAT system, a tax that's paid at every stage of the production of goods or services and by the final customer. Sometimes customers - clients - ask not to have to pay the VAT, and it goes like this: "Ms. Psychotherapist, can we bypass the bill? You know that this VAT is just my cost."

I think one of the reasons most people come to therapy is because they don't feel connected. They don't feel or know that everything is connected to everything else.

They lack a sense of belonging to themselves, to their soul and the Higher Power, to their families, to nature, and to the community.

I respect and understand that clients don't know exactly why it's important for all of us to pay taxes in the first place. It's usually part of their inner dynamic and part of the deeper meaning of life, of their belonging to this life. Yet, I have a hard time understanding my colleagues who comply with it.

There's a lack of connectedness and an awareness that we're all going through this together, and I've no idea how psychotherapists can help people move forward when they themselves have problems with the basic understanding of the complexity of society and our interconnectedness.

And maybe you, like me, don't like politics, and maybe you, like me, are very individualistic, but the fact is that some services and infrastructures still work in our communities and societies. They work because we all make them possible through the economic system, even though yes, I think the system could always be better and should be regularly improved to truly serve all of us, which unfortunately is just not the case.

In a nutshell

Excellent is eminently good. As with every profession, we have therapists that are truly good. I've met them a few and in my own experience, they were extremely human, accessible, natural, and honest. They are respectful and show a high level of responsibility and ethics. No addictions, no sex or flirting, no business with clients - all of which goes without saying.

About Tina

Tina Bozic is a mother, wife, skilled practitioner, psychologist, and psychotherapist with more than two decades of experience in self-development. She helps women self-actualize at the level of their souls. Her approach to women's issues is process-oriented, relational, holistic, non-pathologizing, neurodiverse, and trauma-informed.