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Imagined Impossibilities

A therapy session.


A woman in her early 50s is sharing about her marriage of twenty-plus years.


Since the onset of the relationship, her partner has displayed scolding, ostracizing, blackmailing, silent treatments, occasional intoxicated outbursts, etc.


The relationship is for sure long overdue.


Violence.


That she hadn't been aware of for years.


Which, again, is a norm.



Women sense that there is something off but then go to great lengths to start realizing the proportions of the problem. The issue of abusive relationships often develops as slowly as alcoholism. It takes years, even decades, so the accumulated pressure becomes evident as it drains a woman's physical health.


And sucking her soul.


Luckily, She can see the harm of exposure to a toxic set of cirrcumstances and behavior. She self-admits the toll it takes because her body collapsed into anxiety and extreme tiredness, the legacy of an accumulated unconscious fear, which equals chronic dysregulation of the nervous system and the delicate tissues in the body.


A therapist is confronting, not merely encouraging her to seek out a safe space, now.


In abusive relationship, there is time to STOP, and act now.

"I can't do it," she says.


Not surprisingly.


The usual first response from every woman suffering like she is, they all say this, each in their tone.


I cannot do it.


She adds: "I'm aware of the problem, but... I have no money."


Therapist stays silent.


No money?


In another narrative, I would hear the Client must wait for kids to grow up.


Okay, so, money:


A. She is working with me; I'm not working pro bono.


B. She is educated and has a job.


C. There are no circumstances in her family or, for example, healthwise that would enable her to make self-supporting choices.


D. The perceived lack of resources in situations where resources are available is a resistance against change as much as a defense against perceived loss. Always.


E. When one can mentalize and talk about a particular situation, which means approaching it from an observer's point of view? There is a high chance there is inner strength to eventually act accordingly. This inner strength is either activated or growing.


F. Every problem has at least three first-hand solutions. These solutions are typically not low-hanging fruits, but with some effort, they become visible quickly when we use our logical brain and intuition.


Bottom line?


When a woman like you, me, or the Client has basic human rights and personal freedom, including the ability to move freely and make money with her skills and knowledge?


There is always a way to move things forward in good ways.


Personal freedom implies the autonomy to make decisions about our lives, express our thoughts and beliefs, and pursue our goals without undue constraints from any outside source.


The notion of "undue constraints" is subjective, which is exactly my point.


The problem I see with modern women just too often is that they think they are constrained when they absolutely can make a choice.


This pattern shows up regarding intimate relationship choices and career choices.


Women DO it. They leave abusive relationships and move on.

What might seem impossible at first sight, becomes completely possible when one changes perspective, activating mental flexibility and dealing with deep fears provoked by changes.


It is a matter of perception.


We often need others to help us move beyond imaginary impossibilities. We often need help to envision what's possible, filter out the impossible, and keep moving.


Why?


Because each of us is deeply immersed in our version of reality, which comes with inherent limitations in how we perceive the world, and this is neither inherently good nor bad; it's simply the nature of our subjective experiences.


The challenge arises when we are unaware of these limitations and take our internal working models for granted.


Deterministically:


• This is how it is, you know...

• That's the way life goes...

• No, no way.

• I can't do it.


Of course, you can.


This is why it is crucial to actively work on shifting our beliefs and perspectives that uphold inevitably limited personal models of reality that are causing unnecessary personal misery.


Our experience of reality is purely perceptual in the first place, but the mundane aspect of life is heavy and can fixate us in a certain position so strongly that we lose sight of the perceptual dimension of reality.


This is what people mean when they say that the physical world is 'dense.' It often completely outweighs perceptual reality.


Physical life on Earth can be unimaginably difficult and unfair.


Living under dictatorships? Enduring war circumstances? Residing in countries where being a girl is synonymous with being prohibited from going to school? There is absolutely no "higher truth" in the manmade suffering of millions, right now on this very globe. There is also no such thing as "karmic due" 🤮, because "karmic due" is pure patriarchal fuckery intended to guilt-trip people.


So when we do have the means to make choices in our lives, no matter how hard perceived cirrcumstances, we examine our perceptual models and make a change when making a change is only connected with overcoming our fears as it is not rooted in real-time systemic opression.

Systemic oppression is multilayered. But there is an undeniable, tangible difference between working through my childhood experiences in therapy - and living in Afghanistan or Gaza or Uygur or...


And I'm not saying this to guilt-trip through comparison.


This is a healing mirror, hopefully diminishing possible perceptual distortions.


A reality check.


Getting distance from our fantasies of lack, saying good-by to imagined impossibilities is so important.

Life is not here to be wasted.


I think those of us who systemically can, really need to quit fucking around.


Because when we do this for ourselves, we also leave an imprint of free choice on the energetic texture of all humanity. Breaking the submissive mentality, based on conviction there is nothing we can do to make a change, and making empowering personal choices is a way to influence the shift in the morphogenetic field of toxic patriarchal systems on this planet.

Exercise the right and ability to choose.


Contribute to the shift in consciousness on this planet.


Respect yourself, of course. Attend to your personal story with absolute compassion. But then, for the sake of us all, don't get stuck in a fantasized state of personal lack - the one that isn't rooted in absolutely clear, tangible proof or evidence.


Be real. I know it's hard, but it is so important, for you and everyone.


Be honest about why you are enduring your suffering and how you are enabling it.


Like, why? How?


Who benefits? Who are you protecting? Who are you obeying?


There are things you don't see.


They are inside of you.


Evoke them into the Light and make a change.


Stop avoiding your power, quit focusing on a perceived lack of resources, or attributing reasons why "you do, or do not" to anyone - but yourself.


It's liberating.


You are a good person who deserves respect and peace of mind.


Feel this ⬆️... take it in, even though I know it can be not easy.


--


Tina Božič

Psychotherapist

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