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Life Ordinary

A fine collection
of hand-picked alchemical musings

For high achievers

Women who sit with me in therapy sessions often reveal that they live under tremendous pressure. At first glance, it's rare that the pressure doesn't make sense... You only have to take a quick look at their lives to see that their circumstances are not easy. They have young children and sleepless nights, or they are mothering teenagers and having sleepless nights, or they are having sleepless nights during peri-menopause. And then there's this whole global tectonic energetic shift happening on a collective level, involving pandemic and war in the middle of Europe, and political changes in their own counties... That worries them too. All that time, on a to of it all, women are leading demanding, time-consuming, ambitious business projects. And... shall we add to that intimacy issues, perhaps family members with mental health issues, unexpected loss and grief? And then, her own unprocessed trauma?

Women who sit with me in therapy sessions reveal at the same time a habit of questioning themselves. This happens ad nauseam, sometimes openly, often secretly. But the fact is that they're highly qualified professionals - or on the way to becoming so, or that they really have the biggest heart you can imagine and have already done so much good in this world... yet?


They fucking question themselves. Like, a lot. After all these years in the therapy room, I can't imagine a compassionate, empathetic, driven woman suffering silently and in need of therapy...without that unveiled layer. Even when my client is the most caring person in the world, she eventually becomes afraid of herself. At a certain moment, she becomes anxious and the stream of stressful thoughts comes from the well safely packed in the backyard of her intelligent ego.


Suddenly, life feels like a court of law, and she's both prosecutor and judge, and interrogation is taking place, and there's no comfort to be found anywhere:


Am I good enough? What'll they say? Will I make a good impression? What if she thinks I'm a selfish bitch? What if I look greedy? Horny? Hateful? Seductive? Aggressive? Rude? As if I don't care?...


A woman isn't aware of how her doubts run and affect her mood and actions. The fact is that we women put pressure on ourselves with our constant brooding and then, as a consequence, often have no idea why we feel the way we do. Doubting ourselves is one of the most common and at the same time exhausting emotional-mental habits we have!


The problem is that women have been collectively brainwashed with the far-fetched notion that everything is about us, that we're the ultimate creators of our own lives, and that things don't "work" because we don't work - whatever that means. This hyper-individualistic New Age and New Cage philosophy always adds an extra layer of abject guilt to our backyard narratives and disempowers us even more, whether we suffer from not having a good love relationship, being "overweight", or not being as rich as we think we should be.


It's very short-sighted to ignore the influence of the environment on humans.

And it's simply outrageous to ignore the influence of the environment on us. Yes, it matters whether you were born in the slums of Brazil (or Berlin) and raised by a pack of lost teenagers and no tap water, or in Berlin (or Brazil) where you lived in a warm apartment with lots of love under high ceilings, with your own room and the smell of apple (mango) pie coming from mom's kitchen every Saturday night.


In both cases, a miracle can happen if you study, work and meditate diligently.

But let's be realistic: the chances of you getting an education are very different from the start, and are certainly related to whether you live in a slum or in a comfortable apartment, and so the conditioning and deeply held beliefs are also likely to be quite different, and that shows in how you use your talents and gifts, how you expand your consciousness, and ultimately how you shape your life to your liking.


Women are different from men, obviously. We are extremely relational beings from the very beginning. Nancy Chodorow, in her book The Reproduction of Mothering, has developed an understanding of female psychological development that shows that a girl's psychosexual development is related to her innate sexual equality with her mother (not father, hello), and that her position in relation to her mother determines her degree of autonomy in every relationship throughout her life from then on.


This observation has important implications. According to Chodorow and Stone Center feminists, women have a more vulnerable sense of autonomy in relationships. Our self-perception and self are much more influenced by the complex matrix of our relationships, and this shows up on many levels, especially in our ambition, because to succeed in this world, you've to succeed in a masculine way.


I doubt that modern women really know the "feminine" way. Many try to explore it, after all, we live in an overflow of the "feminine". But I also see that even when women think they're succeeding in a "feminine way," they're really doing it in a masculine way because patriarchal programming is so deep that our thoughts and perceptions of reality are steeped in it.


On my therapeutic couch, I find that women often need extra support to think independently of what's happening in their lives, so immersed their psyche is in relationships. They often think of others first, and even when they think of themselves, they're in fact often thinking of others. They think they are addressing their own needs, but unconsciously, they're addressing the needs of others.

But the truth is also that while we women are energetically very open to what's going on in our relationships (the level of womb consciousness), we're still constantly creating our reality with our perception and with what we observe, how we observe it, how we think about it, and what we make of it. Often, like life in general, this is all a bit more challenging and demanding than it's for many men. We're not omnipotent and omniscient beings, as so many would have us believe - and as many would like to sell us. But we're also anything but powerless! We have a strong ally, and this ally is our Psyche, of course :)


In Psyche, things aren't logical. They're psychological. Psyche has its own kind of logic (and magic). So.... when we sit down with a woman and she's sitting on my therapeutic couch, online or in person, as said before, the pressure in her life always makes sense. However, if we look a little deeper into her psyche, into the way her impulses, feelings, emotions, mental schemas, etc. actually align, we can see that the pressure she experiences on the outside is similar to the force she generates on the inside - for herself, by herself, as it were. When the sense of pressure is present in her life, we are always able to find the inside source of this pressure too.


The origin of internal pressure is significantly related to ideas of how we "should" be and how others "should" respond to us. To put it simply: a woman under pressure is guilty of trying to be someone other than she's.


For various reasons, she's unable to feel her energetic-emotional truth deep within her body.

On one side she's mental expectations, on the other side the denied energetic-emotional truth. This creates constant conflict and pressure. This eventually leads to mental confusion, emotional struggle, even physical pain.


The less the woman is aware of this dynamic, the more she invests in it. She then consumes vast amounts of time, thought, energy, and money as she strives to appear as the most beautiful girl in the world, daddy’s world champion, mum's good little girl, the most bright girl in the high school, sexual priestess, goddess, the kindest and compassionate soul you can imagine.


And so often she's not even aware that she's doing all this. For example, she's not aware that she's trying to achieve her great business growth or her scientific career just to finally get her father's approval. Even though her father has been deceased for 15 years, the little girl inside her is still looking for approval and love, suffering under pressure, and she's no idea why or how to make an end to her private suffering.


Until she does.


Because sooner or later these compulsive strivings make her tired. And then dull. She suddenly feels like a gray ball of energy, the creative well is dry, and she feels stuck. Out of frustration, her body sometimes even gets sick, or hormonal imbalance kicks in. This overwhelm of private suffering is often a moment when women choose to engage in deep inner work.


Putting images of perfection off the pedestal is an essential intro step of deep inner work. Not the most popular one, but the most essential one.

In our narcissistic society with distorted feminine and distorted masculine energy patterns, it's a difficult step for many to knock the image of perfection off its pedestal. I meet women who're naturally endowed with many beautiful gifts, but then use them in a broken way. They push themselves and exhaust themselves. They are no doubt very capable, but they want more, and more, and more. Then they punish themselves when they fail to live up to expectations. Without being aware of their feminine nature, they demand straightforwardness and constant performance, which makes absolutely no sense for any woman.


The female body and Psyche are not fuctioning in a linear ways, but cyclic.

Idealized images that are the essence of expectations, develop as polarity to early psychological wounds and trauma. These images are internally protected, and the human psyche unconsciously works hard to avoid reliving the injuries associated with unconscious wounds. Idealized images we've are often seductive. They flatter our ego-mind, are seductive, appealing, and full of promise. Like modern marketing, in a way. They always build on more of something that's usually convenient and easy to achieve. Or they demand hard sacrifices in the name of success, which is non-negotiable.


Let me give you an example. Imagine a child. Her mother and father are busy, as mothers and fathers are these days, right. They rarely ask the child about her day, except in a perfunctory way, like he's in school. There's no real interest in her feelings, her thoughts, and his perceptions. There's no real "investment" in their mental and emotional reality, no heartfelt curiosity about their world.


How is it that you like cats so much? Do you ever wonder how big the universe is? What happens to atoms when a robin dies? Do you think atoms stop moving, dissolve, or cease to exist altogether? What'll you be when you grow up, a surfer and astronaut? What makes you happy over the moon?


There are no prying inquiries of this nature. What do you think is happening here?


What does the child feel? What do you feel?

Lack. And lack is a strange feeling, obviously of something missing in our lives. Often we attribute the lack to the outside. We assume that the lack in our lives is caused by our partner, our community, our children, society, or by God and the universe. We say, well, I'm missing something in the way we're. Something isn't right.


All this then goes on in secret, because although we feel the lack, at the same time we're fully immersed in this paradigm of radical self-responsibility, while we reach for things on the outside and compensate lack with more - like another result we want, an injection of filler or Botox, a bigger house, size 38 or 40, a new lover.


This doesn't solve our problem of lack. The problem is that we still lack the organic, embodied experience of what it's like to have someone close to us give us what we need emotionally. We simply hold the experience of lack in our cells. So we feel that lack and we hold on to it. In projection, we feel that something is constantly missing in our lives, which frustrates us a lot and causes a lot of frustration, anger, or bitterness.


To heal the hunger inside, that sense of lack, we must turn inward and heal the void.

No spiritual achievement and no seven-figure business bottom line has any meaning unless we're able to inwardly embrace ourselves outside of any achievement. Giving ourselves what we really need and healing the lack that fuels our craving for "more" is often about building a loving, compassionate relationship with ourselves, all parts, versions of ourselves.


Healing is always about raising the vibration.

The point is to reverse or shift the vibrational energetic level. We leave dense, complicated, restricted energies. We move to brighter, lighter, much more expansive energies. Holistic and energy-based psychotherapy helps you live life out of your body, rather than out of your mind and ideals, which are full of expectations, your own or others.


When we live embodied life, we take life as a beloved experiment, as an experience divine.

We have a sacred, loving detachment from ourselves, from other people, and from the world, while at the same time fully connecting emotionally and energetically immersing ourselves with people and the world.


Each time we release a fractal of the pressure of our own idealized norms, we free ourselves a little more. What we then experience is love and joy; they're indeed unlimited and constantly growing, Just as there's no end to love, no end to joy, no end to truth and beauty. Sooner or later we realize that we're fine as we're. We're acceptable. We're loving and lovable. We can reach out and get what we need. There is enough. We are enough. We're not afraid of being ourselves, no matter how successful we are, because we know deep down we are ordinary and imperfect, beautiful in our own individuality, as everyone is.


It's okay to want more. If you're an ambitious woman with a strong drive to create and help shape this life, expansion is essential. Just make sure you do it out of your soulful fullness and not out of a psychological lack.

This is how you go from being a high achiever to being a high performer. You start looking for transformative solutions instead of turning your expectations into reality at any cost. You start believing in yourself, prioritizing, and surrendering to a deep trust in yourself. You give up exhausting control over every single detail in your life because you feel safe inside and taken care of at all times.


In a nutshell

Do you feel a lot of pressure in your life? Check if you're putting too much pressure on yourself. It's quite possible that you're trying to become someone you think you should be, denying your deeper needs. Stop worshipping ideals. Come as you're.


About Tina

Tina Bozic is a mom, wife, skilled practitioner, psychologist, and psychotherapist with more than two decades of experience in self-development. She helps women to own who they're on the level of their soul. Her approach is process-oriented, relational, holistic, non-pathologizing, trauma-informed, and neurodiversity-informed.

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