Do you feel under pressure?
Women come to therapy revealing they are under huge pressure. On the first glance, it's rarely that the pressure doesn't make sense. We look at their lives to find small kids and sleepless nights. Or teens and menopausal-sleepless nights. The grande pandemic. Elderly parents. Demanding, time-consuming ambitious business projects. Narcissistic lovers? Addicted family members.
Women have this habit of questioning themselves.
If I speak as one of the sisterhood... let's just say, yes, we have narrow hips and then wide ones. We have wrinkles at age 36, 48. Butts small, butts flat. Bodies not trained and then super functional hyper trained bodies. We have high level of awareness, certificates, numerous professional skills, a high-school degree, a Ph.D., a hard-won teaching position.
And still, we question ourselves.
Honestly, I cannot imagine a compassionate, empathic woman without that unrevealed layer.
Even though confident, when the time is right, and Moon is low, and Mercury keeps turning - you know what happens? We gets terrified that we are not ok as we are. We gets anxious, and the flow of burdening thoughts is coming from the well, packed safely on the backyard of our intelligent ego mind. It's coming from do far away, so close, that we are not even aware how our doubts are running and affecting our mood and actions.
Am I good enough?
What will they say?
Will I make a good impression?
What if she thinks of me as an egoistic bitch?
What if I look greedy?
Like I don't care.
Often, we have tangible clue how much energy we actually use with these kind of thoughts. We're putting immense pressure on ourselves, and we often feel under pressure, yet we have no idea why the fuck we're feeling as we are.
Doubting ourselves, one of the most exhausting emotional-mental habits. And one of the least rewarding ones!
Women under pressure
On the top of this all?
We are brainwashed. With the far-fetched spiritual ideas about how it's all about us. How we are ultimate creatrixes of our own life, and how things don't "work" because we don't work - whatever this means! This new-age / new-cage / hyper-individualistic philosophy adds an extra layer of miserable guilty feelings to our backyard narrator, and disempower us even more.
Yes, it is. It's very short-seeing to dismiss the influence the environment has on human beings. And it is plainly dangerous to dismiss the impact the environment has on women. Women are by definition relational beings; our identity is basically relational, which means, we sense ourselves in relation to others.
For example, when doing workshops or therapy, with some exemptions, I see women often need extra support to think independently from what is going on with people around them, and first source love for themselves, and then love the others, not the other way around. And when they do this, they often feel guilty. They often even claim, but I have no desires, I don't know what I want.
Environment is very important. We cannot deny the impact of if.
And as environment matters, so does our intimate response to it!
Even though, energetically, we are so very open for what is going in our relationships, we are still all the time co-creating our reality with our perception and with what we observe, how we observe it, how we think about it, and what we do with it.
We are not all-mighty and omnipotent creatures, as so many would want us to believe - and as many would like to sell this to us. But we are also far from being powerless!
In Psyche, things are not logical
In Psyche, things are not logical. They are psycho-logical. Psyche has its own kind of logic.
So when I sit down with a woman, make her a cup of tea - or she makes it herself when working online :) - and she says, Tina, I'm so overwhelmed, I'm under such pressure that my mind will blow up? I have no time for myself, I can't stand no one anymore!
The pressure always makes sense.
When we look a bit deeper into her Psyche, into how her impulses, feelings, emotions, mental schemas etc. are aligning, we can see the pressure she is experiencing on the outside is similar to the force she is creating on the inside - for herself.
It is possible, but also irrelevant to distinguish which one was first - the inside pressure or the outside one?
But the bottom line is, when sense of pressure is present in woman's life, we are always able to find the inside source of this pressure too.
The secret source
Source of woman's inner pressure is typically linked to her images of how she "should" be, and how others "should" react to her.
Woman is trying to be someone else but who she is.
For different reasons, she is unable to feel her energetic-emotional truth deep inside of her body.
She has mental expectations on one hand, and that denied energetic-emotional truth on the other hand.
This creates conflict, and pressure.
This finally creates mental confusion, emotional struggle or even physical pain.
Less aware woman is of this dynamic, more she is investing in it. She's then using massive amounts of time, thought, power, money as she is trying hard to perform as:
the most beautiful girl in the world,
mum's good little girl,
the most bright girl in the high school,
And she's not even aware of doing all this. For example, she's not conscious that she is trying to reach her exquisite business growth or scientific career just to finally get that approval from her father! She hasn't a clue about this.
Until she does.
Because sooner or later, these un-natural strategies start to make her at least tired. Then dull. She suddenly feels like a grey ball of energy, and the creative well is dry and she feels stuck as fuck. Frustrated, even ill.
And when this happens, she is entering the first stage of healing work.
Women and images of perfection
Putting images of perfection off the pedestal is an essential step of deep healing work.
In our narcissistic society of distorted feminine and masculine energy, putting images of perfection off the pedestal is demanding step for many females.
I meet women, naturally equipped with lots of beautiful gifts, and then they go and use them in a broken kind of way. They push them. Then punish themselves for not reaching their expectations. Unaware of their female nature, they are demanding from themselves linearity in words, deeds and results when female body and Psyche are not linear; they are cyclic.
It breaks my heart when I'm observing women behaving like this, but I also know, they need their own experience coming to terms of what does it mean to be a woman, specially in a narcissistic society of distorted feminine and masculine energy.
Idealized images develop as a polarity to psychological wound. Those images are internally protected. Human Psyche works unconsciously hard to avoid re-experiencing the hurts linked to unconscious wounds.
Idealized images are often persuasive. Flattering to our ego-mind, they are seductive, appealing, and full of promises. Like modern marketing. They always build on more of something, typically comfortable and easy achievable. Or, on the other hand, they demand hard sacrifices in the name of success that is non-negotiable.
Let me give you an example
Imagine a kid. Mum and dad are very busy. They don't ask kid about her day, except in superficial ways, how's the school. There is no genuine interest in her feelings, in how she thinks. How do you perceive the world? Do you wonder about how big the universe is? Do you know where babies come from? What do you think about the Moon? What will you be when you grow up? What are your worries? What are the joys? There is no inquiry of this kind, or curiosity about ambitions, fantasy world.
What's happening here? What does the kid feel?
Lack is a weird feeling, obviously of something missing in our life. We often attribute the lack to the outside. We assume the lack, it’s in our partner or community, kids or society, or God and the universe. We say, well, something is lacking in their attitude, response, how they are. This is all running secretly, because at the same time, we're fully immersed in this parading to take 100% responsibility for yourself. But still, even though we think it should be all inside of us, we are grabbing for things on the outside - like another result we want, a shoot of filler or botox, a much bigger house, size 32.
Often, none of this solves any of our core problems.
Because the real problem is, we still miss an organic, embodied experience of how it is when someone close to us gives us what we emotionally need. We hold the experience of being neglected in our cells. So we sense this lack and hold on to it. In projection, we feel something is constantly missing in our life, which is so frustrating for us, and it'c causing lots of pressure.
To heal, we need to turn inwards and heal the emptiness; we need to give ourselves what we need or open to receive it from other people. All this is about material stuff or results. No material stuff or result makes sense if we're not able to take it in on an emotional-energetic level, and actually allow to feel what it makes to us. When we have lots of images how we should be, we often have severe disconnection from our feeling self, so we cannot take in the material, even if we have it.
To give ourselves what we need is often about building a loving, compassionate relationship with ourselves - with all the parts, throughout all the ages. It is about ego-parts work (like inner child work), or it is about more subtle energy work where we are dissolving the energetic programs held in our energy field.
This is where psychotherapy comes in.
Energy-based psychotherapy, specifically, is healing within a healthy relationship with psychotherapist who is supposed to be able to hold a relationship and also help energetically process issues that come up within our client's inner world.
Healing is always about raising the vibration. It’s about flipping or shifting on the energy level. We go from dense, complicated, constricted energies. We access brighter, lighter, much more expanded. In energy-based psychotherapy, we energetically travel from the space of what we thought is correct to the places where our divine essence, our Truth, is available on the level of emotions and body.
We start taking life from our bodies, not from our minds. We take ourselves and life as a play, as an experiment, as an experience. We have a sacred, loving distance to ourselves, other people, and the world, while at the same time, we are fully engaged, emotionally-energetically immersed in it.
Each time when we meet our dragons, more love and pleasure are available to us. Each time we let go of a fractal of a pressure of our own idealized standards, we liberate a bit more. What we experience then is love and pleasure; they are actually unlimited and ever-growing.
Like, there is no end to love, no end to delight, no end to Truth and beauty.
Sooner or later, we recognize, we are ok as we are. We are acceptable. We are loving and lovable. We can reach out and get what we need. We are not afraid of being mundane and un-perfect, as we know we are beautiful in our own individuality – and so are others.
Do you feel lots of pressure in your life? Check if you're pushing yourself too hard. There is a great chance you're trying to become someone you think you should be, while denying your deeper needs. Stop worshipping ideals. Come as you are.
Tina Bozic is psychologist and psychotherapist in private practice (est. 2009). She is practicing holistic energy-based psychotherapy for women willing to relentlessly follow their Soul. She helps women use body’s innate wisdom and develop radical self- love so they can call on their Soul to guide them.