cooking dinner, listening to Björk
This is for all my rebels, mavericks, outsiders, rule-breakers and dissidents. You know who you are, you know how it is, that the struggle is real and that I love you.
Today I've been cooking dinner, listening to 90's Bjork. I've also been thinking about the most stupid things I've ever done in my life. There had been plenty, naturally.
One of the most dummies was, I abandoned my music at age 12.
I've been waiting till age 9, so my fingers grew, and I was able to play my silver side-blown flute. My dad sold his bass guitar, and we bought my flute. It was a Yamaha. I remember practicing often; in three years, I did four grades.
Then, I decided to stop.
I was sick of my teacher's cigarette smoke filling the room on my lessons. And I was tired of endless performances of simplistic, annoying partisan songs on every fucking local ceremony.
I told my father and mum that I'm quitting. And that they won't talk me out of it. I was determined. I knew what I didn't want. Back then, and still now, it's impossible to tell me out of anything when I know I don't want it. So my parents didn't try to persuade me.
Years after, I sold my flute for the fifth of its original price.
My young decision, it created obviously loss on different levels.
Sadly, even though supported in my rebellious choice, no one ever asked me what I did want? It was clear what I didn't want - but what did I want?
I hadn't been aware then, but I know now. Let me tell you what I wanted.
I wanted Mozart.
I wanted to practice as crazy, get into intricate pieces.
I wanted a teacher who would play along with me his own flute.
I wanted a challenge.
I wanted more.
Funny thing is, there was this kind of teacher in the town next by. I was aware of it. But I didn't dare to go there as I wasn't encouraged. Many years later, studying psychology, I realized, I was behaving accordingly to limiting matrix of strong separation anxiety. Departing "home", big or small, it was just too stressful for me.
So I stayed at home.
I didn't go for a new experience.
I didn't pursue my more.
I just quitted.
And sold my silver flute.
Thirty years forward, I think that experience was the birth of my battle for more.
For years it haunted me, why did I do it? What was the reason?
I wanted more. And at the same time, I didn't know it's ok to want more.
I had no idea, it's ok to grow, to expand, to desire, to excel.
I had no idea, I will survive and thrive.
Deep down, I acted like I'm going to die.
I had no idea.
But now I do.
Now I know.
Tell me, what is it that You desire more?
* Words of Love and Trust: "Working with the soul does not seem to be a surrealistic thing anymore, but a kind of silent, sincere eavesdropping on myself and my own deeper inclinations, a safe, non-communicating conversation with myself, finding support within and not outside myself. As if the contact with the soul brought me back in touch with myself."
- Mrs. L., on how it feels when you start to connect with your Soul, in conscious ways
** Tina Bozic is a straight-edge lady in her 40's - a psychotherapist, psychologist, and energy worker. With her husband, their daughters and Bowie the cat she is living in Slovenia, serving clients worldwide. She's helping women to get radically empowered, radically loved. You too can subscribe to her e-newsletters by clicking right here.