pearl jam, 26 years ago today
I was 16, living in a small town in the middle of the fucking nowhere. Life felt isolated. Constricted, asthmatic. I hated being a teenager. My high school classmates, some slightly, some significantly less wrecked as I was, were my safety net, free-diving buddies. My high school class was a space of weird belonging. I was aware that the doom will eventually get over, but I had no idea how nor when. It was an emotionally difficult time, demanding, confusing. Internally, I was very conflicted and ungrounded, self-destructiveness started to become evident. But what I was aware of, in the middle of that shitty, low-light period of my life, was knowledge is power - and as I intuitively sensed, also my way out.
I knew if I'd work for it, I can have it. A different future, a new kind of life. There's always a way out.
26 years ago today Pearl Jam released their second studio album "Vs." (October 19, 1993, Sony). Since ever, I loved music. And this was for sure the most anticipated second album of my life. Never before, and never after, I've been so positively obsessed and passionate about getting an album, a CD.
At that time, we lived in an informatical pre-internet stone age. We even had no telephone in our house. So week by week, persistently, I was standing in the public call box and phoning music store in a city, an hour's drive away; they were a distributor for Sony.
When the new album is coming?
When the new album is coming?
I loved early Pearl Jam because of the harmonic they were bringing into the dense world of my emotions. For me, they were an energetic link to the world of possibilities, the world of honesty, the world of love, and humanness.
My being resonated with their sound deeply, organically.
If someone would tell me back then, in 26 years, I will be as I am, living life as I'm living, doing what I do.... first, I would probably tell her to fuck off.
Then, if she would persist with the Message from the Future, and her persistence would make me realize she cares, she is trustworthy, I just might sit down and calm down and listen to a bit. I would probably stare at her and keep my poker face on while my heart would go all creamy and soft as I would start
the world of possibilities,
After postman finally delivered Vs., and there it was, the rawest and emotionally intense album I've ever heard till the date, I had no idea over several months my own life too will become a dense black hole experience.
Yet, I found my way out.
No matter how hard it got, with all addictions and severe depression that accompanied my black hole experience, I persisted. I never-ever fucking quitted. I worked my ass off, digging my way out night and day. Honestly, it took me very, very long, more than six years to escape the black hole. But eventually, in 1999, I did it.
All that time, I never ever waited for anyone to come and save me. However, I did learn to ask for help. And that was my game-changer.
Asking for help when you have limited resources of trust is very, often extremely difficult. Yet my experience shows it is often the most potent and empowering step in our healing journey.
You too should never-ever quit.
Ask for help.
PS. Gratitude. The second woman #wombcratf circle for this winter is also full. I'm so happy and honored to host 27 gorgeous women in 3 groups over 7 weekends this winter. I love winter. I love the work we do. And I love when women are getting even more radically (self) loving, empowered, confident as fuck. To stay tuned with my upcoming offers, subscribe here.
** Tina Bozic is a straight-edge lady in her 40's; a psychotherapist, psychologist, and energy worker. With her husband, their daughters and Bowie the cat she is currently living in Slovenia, serving clients worldwide. She's helping women to get radically empowered, radically loved. You too can subscribe to her e-newsletters by clicking right here.